Evelyn and the Adoption Controversy

I just read one more "we shouldn't adopt from Africa" article (because we are removing children from their families and culture.) First of all, I agree, the adoption industry is ripe for corruption; anytime you have the potential of making money in a third world country, the potential for abuse is a strong possibility. I completely agree that there should be strong laws by the country and standards by the adoption agency and when they are abused, the agency should lose their license. I chose the agency we are using for Ethiopia largely on the commitment that they use to make sure that abuse doesn't occur. 

One thing that is way too simplistic is the idea that no child that isn't 100% orphaned should be adoptable. Many people even go to the extreme to say that even the orphans don't need adoption, because the community will step in and care for those children. While that is a lovely idea, it is not the reality that I've seen. The children at the school that our adoption agency just took over are majority orphaned and they are living in the worst of conditions because the extended family and neighbors do not generally treat them like family, but domestic workers. These children would be so much better off, in my opinion, becoming a legitimate family member through adoption.  

Here is my personal, heartbreaking example of "family" that would appear as a statistical success to those that are anti-adoption. This is a picture of Evelyn, the little girl that we were adopting in Liberia that was removed from the orphanage by her Grandmother. The agency we used tried to persuade Evelyn's grandmother to allow her to be adopted, as her mother wished, because they knew that the Grandmother's plan was that Evelyn provide for her by prostitution once she was old enough to work. 

Evelyn, and a lot of children like her, deserve better!

He Gives and Takes Away - BIG News

I have been pondering this blog post for a while and hope I can accurately relay my thoughts on God, adoption and our family the last ten years. After four biological children, I was rather desperate to reach beyond our family and provide a home for a child that needed one. (I actually pushed to become a foster parent when Alei was born, but it took JD a few more years...and a few more kids.) Once we moved to the area that we live now and JD decided to retire, I really wanted to adopt from China. Our compromise was to become foster parents, mainly because it didn't seem like such a huge initial commitment to JD. I went through foster parent training in spring of 2002 and we did not get our first placement for a full year. James came to us in 2003 when he was 2.5 and Alyssa was almost four. James fit right in, things were relatively smooth and we both were excited about what the future held for us.  

Shortly before Christmas, six months later, we got a phone call from our same social worker that they had a 10 week baby that needed a home. We were so excited when we picked up sweet baby, "M" from a local gas station. She was a drug addicted, tiny, frail baby that had the worst smoke smell you have ever smelled, because it was encased in the horrible cradle cap on her head. We adored her! I even had a friend that donated breast milk for her to help her little immune system. I really thought we had the perfect family that Christmas and neither JD or I could picture a larger family. 

Right around Christmas, we got a call that baby "M's" sister was now in need of a home. She was placed with relatives but the military was moving them overseas and DSS would not let her go. They brought her to meet us and we both thought the best plan was to keep the girls together. Little "A's" age fell right between Moriah and Alyssa and we moved her in shortly after Christmas. 

We treated these girls like our own from day one. After uncovering more and more about the hellish existence they, especially "A," had lived in, we desperately believed that they were ours forever. We had them almost one full year when a relative from a far away state decided that she would be the family hero and not let the girls be put up for adoption. Since she had never even met them and we had them for almost a year, we relentlessly tried to fight a system that did not allow us a fair chance. The family promised "A" over and over that they would bring the girls back to see us every year and yet never even allowed us a phone conversation. It was one of the absolute worst experiences of my life to buckle sleeping Baby "M" in her car seat and know that by the time she awoke, she would be hours away from the only family she had ever known. 

 About that time, the Christian song, "He Gives and Takes Away" was on the radio. To this day when I hear it, I only think about the two little girls that would be mine if the world operated fairly. (Virginia law is that any family, any time, gets precedence in court over the foster parents.) 

We moved on, fostering, but never held the belief that the children were "ours" the same way that we had before losing our girls. Oh, I treated them like mine...I even flew my cousin in from CA to stay with my new twins because I wouldn't put them in respite care, but it was never the same in my mind. 

Next we got two darling twin boys and their spunky three year old sister. Since they still live in the local area, I'm not showing her or their faces. We had them for about ten months when they went to their Grandmother. We continued to see them and I even babysat them four years later. I would say their case is a huge success since their parents are raising them now and I see how God used us to help bring that about. 

After losing them, we turned our attention to an international adoption. JD had long since learned that genetics don't determine true love. Since we legally had five children, China wasn't going to let us adopt. I ended up finding Liberia on a website (I had never heard of it!) and we began our home study. After our home study, but before our referral, we had one more round in the foster care system, only because the kids were cleared for adoption and they needed a family immediately. We took in little "D" and baby "B" and were very excited at the idea of them joining our family. It all fell apart one month later, however, when their biological family found out that we were white and went back into court to have them placed in a black family. The social worker told us not to worry, that there weren't any other willing families, and yet the very next day, I was packing their stuff and handing them back because of the color of my skin. 

After that, we went full steam ahead with our Liberian adoption. It wasn't too long until we got this referral picture of Tori. She was supposedly 11 months old, but really was about 18. She "completed" our family, in our plan, and we were excited to bring Tori home in August of 2007. 

Our next adoption option was before we even left Liberia. When we met Tori's mom, we also met her older brother that was cleared for adoption, but not in the orphanage due to lack of space. It was only a few months after coming home that we felt called to begin a new adoption and return for Ben. 

Several months into Ben's adoption, a plea went out for paper ready families for eight baby girls that needed families. At this point, we had figured out that we had a heart for the children of Africa AND it was way cheaper to adopt two on the same trip, rather than separate trips, so we added on a baby. Our baby's name was Evelyn and she was darling - half Chinese and half Liberia. We were heartbroken the day that we got the call that she had been removed from the orphanage by her grandmother in hopes that she would be able to help provide for her in her old age. 

I told them that I didn't want another baby, that we would just come for Ben. They told me that there was no money back on the adoption fees and if we did not take another baby we would lose the money. So, Julia was our replacement baby whose referral came on Valentine's Day. 

We interrupt our adoption story to say that the Lord sent us a precious blessing on Julia's 2nd birthday with the birth of Elijah David. He has been a perfect addition to our family as well.

Elijah was not very old when I clearly felt the call to Ethiopia. I really questioned it as we were three children past our "complete" family! This is why the blog is named Our Plans Multiplied because God has clearly called us to do more than we felt able. It took time, but last November we began our Ethiopian adoption. It was on Valentines Day again that we were sent sweet Isabella's referral packet. I just received this new picture of her today. (My girls were so impressed with her outfit) but she'd be cute as a button wearing card-board!

Since we had really felt called to adopt siblings, and Bella was obviously only one child, we asked if there was a second child in our range of special needs that needed a family. We were presented with Selah's referral packet one month later. We decided that our siblings just didn't happen to be biological siblings and we have worked since to bring our girls home. 

The twist in my story, and our BIG news, is when we traveled to Ethiopia we found out that Bella has a sister who only entered the orphanage days before we traveled, when her mother passed away. She was listed incorrectly on the paperwork as the mother's sister, but in fact, she is the only sibling of Bella. We went and met her and came home and prayed about what to do. She literally has no family...no grandparents, aunts or uncles. Once again, the Lord has clearly shown us that she is to be our 12th child...our 6th from Africa. She is way, way older than the age I am comfortable adopting - she will be at least 12 by the time she comes home some time next year. We have updated our home study from three children under six to three children under fourteen. 

I, of course, am not allowed to show her face until she passes court. This is all I can show of our new daughter, Beruktawit, who we are planning to call "Brooke." 

 I shake my head that our Liberian adoption ended up being three children when I pictured one and it has happened again with our Ethiopian adoption. Brooke's adoption will be two separate trips, most likely some time next year. 

We are proof that if you are open to God's plans, He may take you beyond anything you ever pictured for yourself. 

BIG News Coming

I have big news on the way. I would love, love, love to sit here right now and write away, but I have children awaiting math instruction, one playing that is supposed to be writing sentences and a few others that need direction. (I know you are now thinking....why is she even writing this, but I just sat down to approve a photo book that Alyssa is making to take to Ethiopia and I got a little side-tracked.) 

I'm hoping to be able to compose my thoughts and write a post tonight once the children are snug in bed...so check back tomorrow!

In the meantime, any guesses?

Elijah's Whistle

Gabriel has been cleaning out and packing the majority of his room, since he leaves for Boot Camp at the end of next month. The little kids have been hovering around him because he is constantly handing out "treasures" that are being unearthed from his drawers and closet.

One of the great finds is a life-guard whistle that he gave to Elijah. I can't even recount how many times today I have had to remind him that the whistle sound is for outside! At lunch, Alyssa picked it up and blew it real softly (unlike Elijah's blows). Elijah looked at her in horror and said, "Alyssa, you can't blow that...it's not a girl whistle." He then examined it and said, "great, you slobbered all over it." He is good entertainment. 

We are loving the fall weather and doing most of school in the screened in porch. I'm heading back to To Kill A Mockingbird.

First Week of School (and I lived to tell the tale)

 The first week of school was rather rough, primarily due to Moriah attending two classes at the high school. I have been on the road from 7 to 7:30 every morning driving her and then I only have 30 minutes to get Tori and Julia ready for school. JD should be able to resume normal work hours in about a week, and then he will relieve me of the morning run, which will make a huge difference in my mornings. Beyond the driving, it is Moriah's first experience in a class-room, which is also an adjustment. I placed her in the Honors English class and the teacher wasted no time piling on the homework; we are currently reading To Kill A Mockingbird out-loud for her class, it just happens to be one of my very favorites.

I think Tori and Julia are doing pretty well in their new classes. I'm not receiving much feed-back from either teacher yet, but I expect to as they are put in reading groups.

I decided that James and Ben are going to have to get up earlier and start working much earlier. I have been getting them up by 8, but they are seldom ready to school until 9:30. Since I'm back on the road to pick Moriah up at 10:30, there just isn't enough uninterrupted time. Starting Monday, they are going to be up by 7 and I'm expecting them to be ready for school by 8:00 when I return from the bus stop. Since they are James and Ben, I often have to remind them to get dressed, eat breakfast, do their chores, a few times each morning. I won't be doing that anymore; they are going to be ready by 8 or there won't be any privileges after school that day. I'm sure they will catch on rather quickly after a few painful days. 

Elijah and I started Handwriting Without Tears. I'm going to start him in the Hooked on Phonics first book also, because he already knows all the sounds of the letters. He loves "writing" with the sponge on the little chalk-board. 

So far, the adopting agency hasn't been able to submit Bella's packet to the Embassy because they need a letter from the Doctor explaining that a new lab is being sent to Kenya for analysis. For whatever crazy reason, the Dr. won't write the letter. So, this week I sent the clinic a request for an update and I have not heard back from them either. I really, really don't want this single piece of paper to delay the girls from coming home until November!

The End is Near

I received an email this morning that Selah's case has been submitted to the Embassy; I'm assuming that Bella's will be quick to follow. The end of waiting for them to come home is almost here; we are planning on traveling the first week of October. 

In this picture, I was talking the girls into sharing their fruit-snacks with the two little boys that arrived on the scene. (It's a tougher job to convince pre-schoolers to do anything when you don't  speak their language.)

We are coming girls...we are coming and I'll be bringing more fruit snacks for that 17 hour flight across the ocean!

First Day Photos

 Every good mother has to take first day pictures - here is Tori and Julia heading for their first day of 1st and 2nd grade. Tori's teacher warned me that she had P.E. today so she had to wear tennis shoes; Tori was pretty happy because I didn't make her wear "fancy clothes." Tori is really the only "Tom-boy" I have raised, so I'm more accustomed to the girls who want to wear dresses everyday, like Julia. I have had the hardest time getting Tori to look at the camera lately; she stands still but looks every direction other than the photographer. 

I'm pretty happy with the Lands End lunch boxes and coordinating backpacks that I bought on clearance a few years ago; I think I paid $8 or $9 for the backpack and $4 for the lunch box. Julia used hers part of last year and it washed totally clean. It is, however, floppier than Tori's crisp new one. 

Waiting for the bus-

After a quick trip to Walmart to buy lunch items and $1 clearance shorts for the orphanages in Ethiopia, we got to our first day of pre-school with Elijah and 5th grade with James and Ben. Moriah also had her first day of 9th grade, while Alyssa is on her 3rd or 4th week of Classical Conversations for the year. 

 Things were definitely quieter around here without Tori and Julia, but we have another contribution to the quieter atmosphere; Kylie is sporting her new anti-bark collar. It has been so wonderful; I had no idea a $37 purchase could be so liberating. Kylie would bark and bark, now she gets out two small ones, gets a little vibrate and promptly stops. Our only problem is that due to the fact that she isn't the brightest dog on the farm, we had to put an electric fence in for her also, so we alternate her fence collar and bark collar. At this point, she just assumes that whatever she is wearing works for both, so she hasn't run away with her bark collar yet.

Incredible Video

I hope most people are aware that there are more human slaves right now than ever before in history. Unfortunately, a great majority of them are children - many as young as five. Imagine the Kindergartners you know working 12 hours a day, seven days a week catching fish without the protection of a family, instead of learning and playing. Take a peek into that very scenario in the country of Ghana, which is right next to Liberia where my three children are from. We think of the bad scenarios of orphanages...sometimes the ones that make it into orphanages are actually the lucky ones, because so many others are sold or trafficked into the horrible existence of the child slave industry. Take a few minutes and watch this video - 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4Dwv5KbMYI&feature=youtu.be

Julia School Discussion Follow Up

I feel like I've come across rather negative lately, but that is not my intention with this post; it's just to shed a light on attachment or trauma issues that most people do not understand. The reality is that adoption is born out of some level of trauma, especially for any child that was adopted older than new-born. Amazingly, Julia was my youngest adoptee, yet by far we have definitely struggled with difficult behaviors more with her than anyone. I actually think the reality of three homes (her African home, the orphanage and us) the first year was much more traumatic than it was for my other three that were a bit older when they suffered the transitions. My struggle to help Julia led me to utilize the public school for the first time at the end of last year, not because I wanted space from her, but because I realized that the more structure she had, the better she did. 

She did fairly well this summer, until the last few weeks. I think her three weeks of summer school and our swim team routine helped her immensely. It has been the last few "free" weeks that have sent things back into a tough pattern. 

I have to make sure you realize that this isn't her all the time, sometimes she is as pleasant as can be, but the power struggles are generally incredibly irrational. Today we did about an hour straight of screaming and crying because I wouldn't pay her a dollar to swim. We had a treat stop today at the store in honor of Julia going to her Sunday school class without crying, which is only an issue when JD doesn't go with us. I only paid for Julia and Elijah's treats, since that is what allowance is for. Later, after a few hours of whining, because Julia wanted to go swimming and no one else did, I told James that if he would swim with her, I would pay for his today treat. At that point, Julia wanted to be reimbursed a dollar for her treat (that she didn't even pay for) and started demanding a dollar to go swimming. When I refused to pay her to do what she wanted, we had a rough hour of screaming and crying. She refused to let me hold her or read to her or even go swimming; just cried and cried for that dollar. 

I was actually inspired to write this post today by a comment that an online friend (that I hope doesn't mind being quoted) left me. 

I was very judgmental and anti-government school until we adopted too. Part of it was all the government involvement and lack of privacy that goes along with adopting part of it is learning to appreciate what schools have and can offer that I can't. It is good to live in a country with access to education. I'm thankful to read how you are hoping to do what best for your special needs kids as I am figure out how to do what's best for mine.

My motivation is to help others understand that I (and many like me) have been pushed to consider options that I would not have considered with my first batch of biological children and to be compassionate if you know people like me :) 

Saturday and Adoption Update

We are on our fourth weekend that JD has worked seven days a week. He is re-competing his contract and it has been the most demanding that his job has ever been. It's not been real pleasant for me either, as I don't feel like I ever get a break. Beyond just missing him, part of the challenge is that he isn't able to do the jobs he normally does, like take the garbage to the dump or mow the grass. Today the garbage is overflowing again, but it is going to require the big trailer to go to the far dump and right now, that is still out of my league. (Last dump run, I paid a friend's son to take it.)

Mowing isn't entirely out of my league, however, so this morning I decided that the kids and I would mow the grass, (it's a huge stretch to even call it grass - it is clover, weeds and dirt patches.) JD has just let Ben start cutting this year, but I took it upon myself to also train James and Alyssa and we have been rotating for the last four hours. The around the house mowing is going to have to take place tonight, once JD gets home and starts the stupid push mower that none of us have been able to start. 

More than just garbage and mowing, this work month has been hard on all of us. My kids with challenges always have more challenges when their Dad is gone too much and their mother loses patience day after day with little or no breaks. 

There are still wonderful moments that make me love life, like watching Elijah play "Days of Elijah" along with the guitarist on YouTube.

And today when I came in a moment before Julia and Elijah and glanced out the window, she was carrying Elijah because he didn't have shoes and was complaining that the rocks hurt his feet. She didn't have shoes either, but she carried him across the driveway and all the way around the parking area without a complain. Moments like that make up for so many fights between them!

We have an exciting adoption update! I received news that one of the medical tests that the Embassy requires came back inconclusive and they have to re-run the test and send it to Kenya for analysis. The second test is going to take an additional 25 days, so I wrote the Embassy and asked if they would allow the girls cases to begin processing while we wait for the test. They agreed, so our agency can turn our cases into the Embassy. That should hopefully mean that the girls will be able to travel in three to four weeks. We are probably looking at the first week of October to bring them home.